You know what would be a lame superpower to have?

The ability to smell the past.


But admittedly, it would be pretty amusing when first discovering your power:
"Wait a minute.... these smells HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED!!!!"

Jim: Whoah, when did you lose your arm?!
Bob: In the war.
Jim: The war? What war?
Bob: The war on drugs.
Jim: ...How... um... how did you lose your arm in the war on drugs?
Bob: I smoked it.


Useless Advice of the Day: Just remember-- when your clone is trying to murder you via strangulation, but you're kinda turned on by it, yes, you can count that as auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I set children on fire because I care.




...not about the children of course.
I care about the fire.

It makes me feel warm.

The worst place to build a restaurant is in a nudist colony.
Sure, they need to eat too-- but I bet even if you're a nudist it's hard to find food appetizing in that sort of environment.

You know... when the waiter is standing right next to you with his exposed package, asking if there's anything else he can get for you.

Take some of the power tools from the home improvement/tools department aisles, and hang them up on the racks in the toy aisles.

I think a fun prank to do would be to, all throughout your childhood tell everyone that when you grow up, you want to be a secret agent, just like James Bond.

Then when you graduate from college, try to convince your parents that you did get a job as a secret agent.
You know... pay an actor friend of yours to dress up like a government official and interview your parents to ask if you have any ties with foreign governments, etc.
Then tell them you got the job, and you're a secret agent now for reals.

Then, constantly stage elaborate scenarios to convince them of this, like have 'em seem to get kidnapped by enemy agents trying to get at you but you free them and seem to kill the enemy agents... you know, that sort of thing...

and then on your parent's deathbed be like "Oh yeah, by the way I was never really a secret agent. I've been an accountant this whole time. I just wanted to be able to say 'that's confidential' every time you'd ask me 'How was work today?'"

I wrote earlier that I want to create a death metal band called "Tupperware Party!"...


I've decided an even more amusing name for my death metal band would be "Butterfly Farts".

Seriously, you can't help but smile upon hearing that phrase.


Couple that with the death metal aesthetic and you've got a winning combination:

The best laid plans of mice and men often become the premises of terrible pornography films.

It's interesting to note that "Finger puppet" is both a noun and a command.

The archeologist dated his findings.


...casually at first, but eventually their relationship got a little more serious.

When someone uses the phrase: "I need a bucket," they usually add an additional portion to their sentence that explains WHY a bucket is necessary for them at this time.

Or, the phrase is used in a context where the why is immediately apparent.


It's very disconcerting when neither is provided, and they just sort of walk by you in a haze mumbling "I need a bucket..."
...with no explanation for anyone ever.

Master plan #147:
I shall buy out every parakeet from every pet store I can find, and release them all into the wild.

Sure, many will perish, but the heartiest will survive and breed a race of super-parakeets. They shall grow ever stronger with each generation.



I shall continue to do this until parakeets are the dominant life form on this planet.

They will enslave all of mankind except for me. I shall be their king.

Another doodle I had done while in school:

Steve: "Have you seen that new video game?"
Bill: "No?"
Steve: "It's fucking sweet! You have lasers for hands, and you get to shoot dogs IN THE FACE!!"
Bill: "AWESOME!"

While looking through an old notebook of mine, I found this doodle I had apparently done in class:

Alien: "Greetings Earthling! We come from the planet Crouton!"
Human: "Crouton? Teehee..."
Alien: "What is so funny, human?"
Human: "Well, here on earth... croutons are little pieces of toasted bread."
Alien: "We know. We have sampled your earth croutons and delighted in them so much we named our planet after them."
Human: "Oh."
Alien: "They are delicious on salads."

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

A mockingbird? ....Why would a baby want a mockingbird?

I bet it'd be terrified of a mockingbird. They're kind of scary.
They caw at you in this "HAW HAW" kind of way after swooping your head, hence their name.
Why would you want anything like that around your baby?!

And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring

What the hell is wrong with you?
You are, like, the worst parent ever.

First of all, that's a choking hazard, plain and simple.

Secondly, why would a baby care about a diamond? Okay, sure they're sparkly,
but the main reason a diamond is appealing is because of their rarity.
A baby won't understand this.

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass

ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

DON'T GIVE GLASS TO YOUR BABY!!!

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat

FIRST YOU SHOULD GET THE DAMN BROKEN GLASS OUT OF IT'S CRIB BEFORE YOU GO BUY IT A... A GOAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

And if that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull

YOU ARE BULL.

And if that cart and bull turn over,
Mama's going to buy you a dog named Rover.

WHAT IF THE BABY WAS CRUSHED UNDER THE CART?

AND WHY WOULD YOU BUY A FUCKING GOAT AND BULL BEFORE YOU BUY YOUR KID A DOG?!

And if that dog named Rover won't bark,
Mama's going to buy you a horse and cart.

YOU ALREADY GAVE THE BABY A CART AND HOW WELL DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?

OH THAT'S RIGHT. IT COLLAPSED. ON THE BABY.

And if that horse and cart fall down,

OH LOOK, IT COLLAPSED AGAIN! BIG SURPRISE!

You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.

Okay, clearly you're insane.
I'm contacting child services and having this baby removed from your care, if it isn't already dead.

I've decided I'd really love a woman who's goofy enough to wear a "World's Greatest Grandpa" t-shirt ironically...

...and sexy enough to not wear anything else.

A few years back I saw a rap show where there were various freestyle rapping events. Battles, of course, but also an event where rappers drew random characters from a hat, and had to rap as them.
One rapper present drew Yogi Bear, and tried, but didn't succeed very well, at rapping freestyle as the famous Hannah-Barbara food-stealing bear.

After recently telling a friend that story, I started coming up with my own Yogi-Bear themed rap lines, while attempting to freestyle here and there as I walk around town.
The collected fruits of my efforts so far are as follows:


Call me Yogi, and for a bear I'm pretty fly
'cause I look like a pimp in my hat and my tie.
I'm smarter than the average bear: I've got tactics
when I rob your asses of pic-a-nic baskets.
Then I roll through Jellystone park with my crew
which consists of one little bear named Boo Boo.
You don't like my rhymes? Oh well. Boo hoo.
I'm a motherfucking bear. I can just eat you.


Word.